1000m Repeats and Accepting Responsibility

I'm at the track again after another night of crap sleep; for the last month or so I wake myself repeatedly choking in my sleep.  As I warm up, I worry.  I'm gonna have to keep it together for 1000m repeats and I'm not feeling confident at all.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sad.  My grief over … Continue reading 1000m Repeats and Accepting Responsibility

The Searing Pain Of Failure; Interpersonal Dysfunction and Burpees

When I ran Spartan Race World Championships in 2017, it was vicious.  The altitude, the double ascent course and the sheer insanity of the amply amped-up obstacles for the occasion all contributed to the very worst performance of any race I've ever run.  Lately I keep thinking of this one moment during the race. The … Continue reading The Searing Pain Of Failure; Interpersonal Dysfunction and Burpees

Attachment Trauma Redux Versus Rupture and Repair

content warning: emotional abuse It is October 2016 and I am sitting in the sanctuary at Sixth & I in Washington DC with a few hundred other people listening to Tara Brach speak.  My spouse sits next to me.  I wonder why he came at all; as I do the work of the offered meditative … Continue reading Attachment Trauma Redux Versus Rupture and Repair

Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

We were supposed to have a holiday party together. Though it’s been off my calendar for weeks, I haven’t forgotten. There’s a snowstorm coming in.  We'd talked about how much fun we'd have sequestered at his place during the first snowstorm, so I am sick with grief and dread and missing him.  All day long … Continue reading Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

Compassion, Trust and My Work In The World

I'm tired and unhappy when I arrive but one of my students is waiting for me; I feel better when I see her.  While I'm checking in my class, another student I haven't seen in months appears at the doorway.  Delighted, I come out from behind the desk to hug her.  While I check her … Continue reading Compassion, Trust and My Work In The World

A Bad Day, Kindness and Grace

I sit huddled into the corner of the couch at home, surrounded by pillows, wearing my oldest ugliest yoga pants and a mismatched flannel.  My eyes are twitching so hard I can hear it, my head throbs and every so often I break into great, gasping sobs. I try working; I have to fix my … Continue reading A Bad Day, Kindness and Grace

A Healing Relationship: An Apology From My Therapist

content warning: suicidal ideation, self-harm I hear the voice of my therapist saying, "Can you honor your anger?  You've described a man who gave every indication of skillfulness and emotional maturity.  You've also described some really hurtful behavior.  Have you seen that skillfulness and emotional maturity from him when it really counts?" Get angry, I … Continue reading A Healing Relationship: An Apology From My Therapist

A Healing Relationship: Bodywork as Resuscitation

content warning: suicidal ideation I am getting a massage.  My bank account balance is so low I've transferred money out of savings for this because my body feels horribly dysregulated and I can't fix it myself.  All the post-concussive symptoms are back in full force--the nausea and dizziness, the light sensitivity, the eye strain and … Continue reading A Healing Relationship: Bodywork as Resuscitation

Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (2/3)

(...continued) content warning: suicidal ideation, graphic imagery I don't want this life; a life that's difficult and lonely.  I don't want to keep on with my impotent love, struggling for something I can't have.  I was so stupid and naive with my hope for this relationship and my own healing.  I want to die.  I … Continue reading Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (2/3)