Love Rushes In/A Victory Lap (2/2)

(...continued from previous) Home. I lose it.  I sob bitterly, openly, occasionally swiping the tears from my cheeks.  I scan the crowds wishing for a friendly face.  A woman standing alone makes eye contact.  We look directly at each other as I approach.  Her face is full of empathy and she nods at me as … Continue reading Love Rushes In/A Victory Lap (2/2)

Love Rushes In/A Victory Lap (1/2)

I toss and turn amid nightmares about the race, my abuser, my dead cat and Kevin.  I wake in an unfamiliar bed well before dawn knowing that I'm not falling back asleep and that today I run the 123rd Boston Marathon.  I smile in the darkness.  When I step outside it is pouring rain. An … Continue reading Love Rushes In/A Victory Lap (1/2)

With Dreams And Elation I’m On My Way

I take a day completely off; no work, no engagements, my only plan to leave the house at all is my short morning run.  I turn off my alarms and wake when I feel like it.  The rain pours down as I run through Durham one last time. I spend hours in the afternoon checking … Continue reading With Dreams And Elation I’m On My Way

Light Pours In: The Healing Power Of Loving Touch

My clothes hang over a hook on the door.  The room is sunny and decorated in pale blue with images of the buddha and a picture of Rev. Dr. King.  I climb onto the table and cover up with a thick blanket.  There's a table heater; it is comforting.  Anna comes in and asks if … Continue reading Light Pours In: The Healing Power Of Loving Touch

Where Love Comes From and Who Will Be There At The Finish Line

Trow is out of town. It’s taken some time to get out of the house for my run; I had nightmares about Kevin and my abuser and being lost on the subway in New York, trying to get home with no home to go to. I woke up panicking and soaked in sweat and then … Continue reading Where Love Comes From and Who Will Be There At The Finish Line

Hill Repeats and a Big Damned Bucket of Grief

It's an unusual training session that includes marathon pace work and then five 400m hill repeats.  Where the hell am I going to find a 400m hill?  I decide to run the marathon pace work on Duke track; my amped up anxiety and troubled sleep lately have made for some disappointing runs.  I need a … Continue reading Hill Repeats and a Big Damned Bucket of Grief

Outrunning Memories and the Color of New Beginnings

  I wake up Christmas morning with new snow on the ground.  Disgusted, I immediately gather my running things to head off the PTSD.  When I walk out the door there's more snow fluttering down, so I start my Garmin and get to work.  It is the first day of my plan for Boston and … Continue reading Outrunning Memories and the Color of New Beginnings

Boston Buddies: Getting By With A Lot Of Help From New Friends

During another shit day I'm barely surviving I remember how if I'm running Boston I'd better figure out how to get myself there.  It's been months of slow, disappointing training runs after I seemed to be doing so well.  I remember squealing jubilantly in the morning as I got my confirmation from BAA that my … Continue reading Boston Buddies: Getting By With A Lot Of Help From New Friends

Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

We were supposed to have a holiday party together. Though it’s been off my calendar for weeks, I haven’t forgotten. There’s a snowstorm coming in.  We'd talked about how much fun we'd have sequestered at his place during the first snowstorm, so I am sick with grief and dread and missing him.  All day long … Continue reading Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

A Healing Relationship: An Apology From My Therapist

content warning: suicidal ideation, self-harm I hear the voice of my therapist saying, "Can you honor your anger?  You've described a man who gave every indication of skillfulness and emotional maturity.  You've also described some really hurtful behavior.  Have you seen that skillfulness and emotional maturity from him when it really counts?" Get angry, I … Continue reading A Healing Relationship: An Apology From My Therapist

Healing and Unconditional Positive Regard

On Saturday morning I wake from disturbing dreams: of my abuser coming after me--and of my cat purring in my arms while I rub my face against her silky neck and say to my friend "I know she's died, but she feels real."  Of course, Kira did die and I'm awake only a few moments … Continue reading Healing and Unconditional Positive Regard