content warning: sex work, rape, weapons I wake to the soft sound of horns; the London Philharmonic plays the theme from Chariots of Fire from my phone. It's 5:30 Saturday morning. I'm tired, I'm alone, and I'm sad. I lay still for a moment, a hand to my heart and a hand to my belly--trying … Continue reading As Sick As My Secrets, Loving Kindness and Homecoming (1/2)
content warning: suicidal ideation First I don't want to get out of bed at all--again, and I lay there for a long while, willing my breath to slow. Eventually I get my running clothes on, make it to the track and struggle through my workout; 8 1 km repeats at threshold pace. Long speedwork takes … Continue reading 1 Km Repeats and What Made Me Choose Life
content warning: domestic violence, weapons, sexual assault I discuss my litany of problems with my therapist; major uptick in anxiety, more flashbacks, continued distress over Kevin. When we dig into the flashbacks I quickly grow distraught and begin to cry, so we prepare to work with them using EMDR. First I notice resentment over my … Continue reading Rage and Bob Dylan On A Warm Evening
Ray hands me my computer, some papers. I take my pillow from the bed and we try to move to the next room. He's too close as I try to pass. "You need to step away from me," I bark out in a strained voice. I shouldn't have told him...