Music and Fear; When The Earth Stands Still

I don't want to go to the first rehearsal after therapy; I'm exhausted.  Still, I said I would sing with the small ensemble.  I go to rehearsal.  The 11 of us sit at the front of the sanctuary.  He talks us through the section divisions in the music, which we flip through until the end. … Continue reading Music and Fear; When The Earth Stands Still

Nightmares and Intrusive Thoughts, EMDR and Rage

I dream that I am standing in Kevin's kitchen.  He's upset, bitterly ranting about how bad things have been for him since I last saw him.  I feel his pain and go to him, tell him I'm sorry, hold out my arms.  He comes to me; I hold him tenderly.  That dream haunts me for … Continue reading Nightmares and Intrusive Thoughts, EMDR and Rage

Holiday Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

I come home from class in Raleigh.  I'm tired, and when I walk in the door there is my spouse holding my bathrobe. "Put this on."  It isn't a request.  I ask what's happening. Apparently I am being recruited into one of his childhood Christmas memories, no matter that we haven't discussed it or that … Continue reading Holiday Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

We were supposed to have a holiday party together. Though it’s been off my calendar for weeks, I haven’t forgotten. There’s a snowstorm coming in.  We'd talked about how much fun we'd have sequestered at his place during the first snowstorm, so I am sick with grief and dread and missing him.  All day long … Continue reading Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (3/3)

(...continued) content warning: suicidal ideation, self harm My burst of motive power is short-lived; it disintegrates when I go back outside to falling rain, just like during my car accident.  Kevin* helped me with some of that fear.  He won't be helping me any more.  Devastated, I sit in my car and let my eyes … Continue reading Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (3/3)

Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (1/3)

It's Friday afternoon.  I have one more class to teach and Kevin* said he'd call me.  My head hurts, both eyes are twitching.  I'm exhausted, anxious and nauseous, unable to think about anything else.  I tried to look at some emails; I didn't care and my eyes twitched harder.  I barely kept it together to … Continue reading Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (1/3)