Growing From Cracked Cement: Zinnias and Resilience

Gardening was solace and joy, hope and inspiration, nourishment, connection and peace.  Spring's bare beds were full of possibility.  I grinned with delight putting seeds in the ground, chattered with excitement in the garden store selecting plants with Christian.  I lit up as the first tiny seedlings emerged new from the earth each year--and each … Continue reading Growing From Cracked Cement: Zinnias and Resilience

Hill Repeats, Friendship and the Pain of Parting

I figured I'd struggle to hold it together when I had to say goodbye to Trow.  My training partner, a fighter pilot, deployed to Saudi Arabia shortly after I returned from Boston.  I was still recovering and we went for one last run on a weekday morning.  We met really early at the Carolina North … Continue reading Hill Repeats, Friendship and the Pain of Parting

A Barrage of Flashbacks–and Pendulation

content warning: domestic violence, weapons I’m charging down the American Tobacco Trail when the apprehension hits. My mind is swirling with the stories of women I’ve seen posted to social media as a rash of abortion bans has inflamed the nation.  A procession of small children approaches on the trail. I move around them into the … Continue reading A Barrage of Flashbacks–and Pendulation

Full Circle, Nothing Left For Me Here Now

When I drove east on Holloway Street from Durham, the once familiar path had a detour.  The very route that used to lead home seemed to remind me that isn’t the way anymore.  Still, I followed the detour through modest neighborhoods on the outskirts of Durham, my car full of camping gear and groceries. As … Continue reading Full Circle, Nothing Left For Me Here Now

Grace Inside Chaos When The Ground Shakes

It's a sunny Wednesday morning in Durham and I'm teaching in the studio.  A few of my students are friends who've made. a particular point to come and see me before I leave for the race.  I've known almost everyone for years now, except for the one new person.  I'm walking between mats when there's … Continue reading Grace Inside Chaos When The Ground Shakes

A New Name: Rising Up and Moving Forward

It won't make a difference, I thought--why bother to change my name back?  It won't undo anything that has happened.  It will be a massive, expensive pain in my ass.  I thought about it--repeatedly.  Once in a while I'd see my old last name on something and wish I could undo everything.  But I can't … Continue reading A New Name: Rising Up and Moving Forward

A Changing Mien, Conflicting Emotions and Flashbacks

I'm near the end of a six mile easy run.  The sun has set and I'm trusting the ground I can't see as I run through Durham. I wondered days ago with a friend if my abuser had left town.  It would be a big relief to know I was unlikely to encounter that person … Continue reading A Changing Mien, Conflicting Emotions and Flashbacks

Fifteen Miles and Being Reminded Of My Strength

I wake when the alarm goes off at 6 am.  This time I don't struggle to get out of bed.  It is Saturday and I have a training partner meeting me in an hour; the promise of a long run with companionship lets my morning grief recede.  I prepare quietly, pulling on warm clothes and … Continue reading Fifteen Miles and Being Reminded Of My Strength

Hill Repeats and a Big Damned Bucket of Grief

It's an unusual training session that includes marathon pace work and then five 400m hill repeats.  Where the hell am I going to find a 400m hill?  I decide to run the marathon pace work on Duke track; my amped up anxiety and troubled sleep lately have made for some disappointing runs.  I need a … Continue reading Hill Repeats and a Big Damned Bucket of Grief

Reverence For the Innate Perfection of All People

I prepare to teach class the day before Thanksgiving after more nightmares and very little sleep.  I'm so tired and anguished I can barely think straight, the drive to the studio is brutal, and I go to the door full with dread and precariously low on self-confidence.  There are out of town guests and students … Continue reading Reverence For the Innate Perfection of All People

Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (2/3)

(...continued) content warning: suicidal ideation, graphic imagery I don't want this life; a life that's difficult and lonely.  I don't want to keep on with my impotent love, struggling for something I can't have.  I was so stupid and naive with my hope for this relationship and my own healing.  I want to die.  I … Continue reading Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (2/3)

Sanctuary; Where Is My Safe Place to Fall?

It is Sunday morning, the day I was supposed to attend an event with Kevin*.  We've been talking about it for over a month.  We haven’t spoken in almost a week--a week of panic and grief, confusion and anger.  A week of troubled sleep and half-eaten food that tastes like dirt. Christian is meeting me … Continue reading Sanctuary; Where Is My Safe Place to Fall?

Remarkable New Friends, A Sleepover, And Cannabinoids

I deliberated over the prescription question with a few trusted friends.  When I sat down with Marty, who is a nurse, we brainstormed about alternatives to psych drugs over brunch.  I reminded her that I already meditate daily, that my anxiety is beyond what I can slow down with mindfulness practices an alarming amount of … Continue reading Remarkable New Friends, A Sleepover, And Cannabinoids