It's been weeks in therapy where we mostly just talk like normal people who like each other except that we focus fairly exclusively on me. "What do you still need from this?" Lisa asks me, "What would you like to focus on?" We've processed with very little complication my reaction to the Durham explosion, the … Continue reading Easy EMDR; The Edge Of Attachment Anxiety
content warning: domestic violence, weapons, sexual assault I discuss my litany of problems with my therapist; major uptick in anxiety, more flashbacks, continued distress over Kevin. When we dig into the flashbacks I quickly grow distraught and begin to cry, so we prepare to work with them using EMDR. First I notice resentment over my … Continue reading Rage and Bob Dylan On A Warm Evening
I dream that I am standing in Kevin's kitchen. He's upset, bitterly ranting about how bad things have been for him since I last saw him. I feel his pain and go to him, tell him I'm sorry, hold out my arms. He comes to me; I hold him tenderly. That dream haunts me for … Continue reading Nightmares and Intrusive Thoughts, EMDR and Rage
content warning: domestic violence, assault I write for a while, but then I begin to read and become absorbed in it. Hours pass, the light changes, I shift positions at the hearth--but I remain captivated and focused on Peter Levine's words. I haven't been able to focus like this since the end of October, when … Continue reading The Power of Fire and Somatic Experiencing
content warning: suicidal ideation, self-harm I hear the voice of my therapist saying, "Can you honor your anger? You've described a man who gave every indication of skillfulness and emotional maturity. You've also described some really hurtful behavior. Have you seen that skillfulness and emotional maturity from him when it really counts?" Get angry, I … Continue reading A Healing Relationship: An Apology From My Therapist
All I have with me are my purse and the clothes I'm wearing. I open the Prazosin and take one, then crawl into bed beneath a tapestry of woodland creatures. When I wake it is early morning, before my alarm. There is a sense of increased well-being waking up in Margy's home. I have indeed … Continue reading An Unusual Apology from Darth Vader
I keep feeling this sense of unease, and I've been judging myself for it. Anxious attachment, I notice when Kevin* pulls away slightly in bed and I grow distraught. Or when he isn't holding my hand quite as much as I think he did last week. Or when I think he's giving me just a … Continue reading Anxious Attachment and Failure to Communicate
I remember the little goat, but I can't quite re-experience it. Instead I'm aware of the present moment body sensations; tense and headachey. I ultimately lay on the floor for the rest of the session where at least...