Vulnerability, Boundaries and My Totally Rational Fear of Men

There was a little nagging feeling when I first met him.  I wasn't sure quite what it meant, except yes I was.  It was the sense of a man who wants something I don't want to give him.  It was the feeling given off by the man who raped me in New York.  It was … Continue reading Vulnerability, Boundaries and My Totally Rational Fear of Men

Emotional Triage and My Own Emerging Wisdom

I am on the phone with a local radio host for an interview about yoga and wellness for entrepreneurs.  She tells me she always prays before the show to center herself, so I am silent as she thanks the almighty for the opportunity to help people, humbly asking that others be moved toward healing.  Finally … Continue reading Emotional Triage and My Own Emerging Wisdom

Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (3/3)

(...continued) content warning: suicidal ideation, self harm My burst of motive power is short-lived; it disintegrates when I go back outside to falling rain, just like during my car accident.  Kevin* helped me with some of that fear.  He won't be helping me any more.  Devastated, I sit in my car and let my eyes … Continue reading Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (3/3)

Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (2/3)

(...continued) content warning: suicidal ideation, graphic imagery I don't want this life; a life that's difficult and lonely.  I don't want to keep on with my impotent love, struggling for something I can't have.  I was so stupid and naive with my hope for this relationship and my own healing.  I want to die.  I … Continue reading Attachment Avoidance, Love, Death and Dignity (2/3)

Attachment Trauma, Misattunement, and a Sleepless Night

I'm ready to fall asleep and he is not, so I lie down with an eye mask and close my eyes.  I drift off for a while and then I hear the running shower.  I drift off again, and this time he's coming to check on me.  I'm tired and I groan.  He teases me … Continue reading Attachment Trauma, Misattunement, and a Sleepless Night

Fear and Attachment, Signaling a Lane Change

I remember vividly how it felt after my car accident when I was finally cleared to drive.  I got in my new car, turned the key in the ignition, and shook violently with fear.  There was no choice but to drive on busy roadways.  I was terrified, but drove myself to my friend's house. Since … Continue reading Fear and Attachment, Signaling a Lane Change

Do you want an order of protection?

content warning: domestic violence "Do you want an order of protection?" asks my advocate at the Compass Center after I spend some time ranting about how a year should be enough time for my abuser to calm down and leave me alone.  Of course I want an order of protection.  Of course, after everything I've … Continue reading Do you want an order of protection?