Co-Regulation and The Voice Of Trust

I lie down on the massage table and fidget a little, unsure whether I should close my eyes or keep them open.  My neck feels a little odd so I turn my head a few times. "Would you like a pillow?" Anna asks, and I nod.  She asks if I'd like to begin and even … Continue reading Co-Regulation and The Voice Of Trust

Where Love Comes From and Who Will Be There At The Finish Line

Trow is out of town. It’s taken some time to get out of the house for my run; I had nightmares about Kevin and my abuser and being lost on the subway in New York, trying to get home with no home to go to. I woke up panicking and soaked in sweat and then … Continue reading Where Love Comes From and Who Will Be There At The Finish Line

Music and Fear; When The Earth Stands Still

I don't want to go to the first rehearsal after therapy; I'm exhausted.  Still, I said I would sing with the small ensemble.  I go to rehearsal.  The 11 of us sit at the front of the sanctuary.  He talks us through the section divisions in the music, which we flip through until the end. … Continue reading Music and Fear; When The Earth Stands Still

Displaced Delight and a Daffodil Yellow Kitchen

I love to cook.  I love taking what's in season, particularly if I have grown it myself, and combining things just right with my practiced hands to highlight the flavors of summer's first tomatoes or handfuls of rainbow chard.  I love finding out what my loved ones' favorite foods are and studying recipes in painstaking … Continue reading Displaced Delight and a Daffodil Yellow Kitchen

The Allure and Danger of Following; Finally, I Danced

I’ve barely danced since my wedding.  When my spouse came back from deployment I found this salsa night I really wanted to go to.  I asked over and over again, couldn't we go salsa dancing?  He never would--though he'd later leave while I was sleeping to dance at Legends.  I don't care so much about … Continue reading The Allure and Danger of Following; Finally, I Danced

Training Failure and Small Comforts

I'd be pissed that it's Thanksgiving morning, but I'm too tired and and defeated to be pissed.  I'm foregoing one of my most beloved and gratifying personal traditions this year because I'm simply too depressed and exhausted; I can't.  I'm really sad about it and I've gotten another night of terrible, fragmented sleep so basically … Continue reading Training Failure and Small Comforts

Friday Night: Bath Time and Benzodiazepines

It's Friday night, and I walk away from my evening class alone, with no plans.  I am exhausted and frustrated to need to drive before I can rest.  I don't want to cook for myself; I'm too tired.  I don't want to drive; it's stressful. I walk across Greensboro St and get pizza from the … Continue reading Friday Night: Bath Time and Benzodiazepines

My Abuser’s Birthday: Camping and Existential Dread

It’s my abuser’s birthday and I am pissed. I’m pissed that I married a manipulative, lying shitbag who ruined my life. I’m pissed that I’m still struggling with the many, varied and terrible repercussions of living with and loving a person who figured my worth lay in propping up his fragile self-esteem. I’m pissed at … Continue reading My Abuser’s Birthday: Camping and Existential Dread

See the Light

After a few minutes, I begin to feel the pain of longing for the home studio I left when I fled my marriage.  My head throbs slightly, and tears pour down my face into my ears and hair.  Breathe, I exhort myself, and lie there with my sorrow and resentment.  I breathe and remind myself...