Trow is out of town. It’s taken some time to get out of the house for my run; I had nightmares about Kevin and my abuser and being lost on the subway in New York, trying to get home with no home to go to. I woke up panicking and soaked in sweat and then … Continue reading Where Love Comes From and Who Will Be There At The Finish Line
I wake up Christmas morning with new snow on the ground. Disgusted, I immediately gather my running things to head off the PTSD. When I walk out the door there's more snow fluttering down, so I start my Garmin and get to work. It is the first day of my plan for Boston and … Continue reading Outrunning Memories and the Color of New Beginnings
During another shit day I'm barely surviving I remember how if I'm running Boston I'd better figure out how to get myself there. It's been months of slow, disappointing training runs after I seemed to be doing so well. I remember squealing jubilantly in the morning as I got my confirmation from BAA that my … Continue reading Boston Buddies: Getting By With A Lot Of Help From New Friends
Last year around this time I was at the tail end of a brief relationship with my old favorite training partner. I wasn't even a year out from leaving my abuser, I hadn't been dating; I was terrified of male attention. Scott and I had known each other for years. We ran together all the … Continue reading Repetition Compulsion and the Heart’s Quest for Home
We talked on Friday and didn’t begin speaking for a long time. As he held me in his arms, as I took in his heartbeat and the scent of his skin and my own sense of homecoming, I let go of so many words I’d thought of to say. I finally offered simply, “I was … Continue reading Sprinting, Self-Care and the Myth of Mara
Running is like breathing to me--as natural, as simple, and as necessary. Without it I often feel like I can't breathe--a great deal of my best coping happens as my feet beat a steady rhythm on the trails. In the woods, I feel powerful and fast--that pushes back against the anxiety and fear. I've let out a lot of anguish in the shelter of the trees. I've passed so much joyful time...
I ran my marathon in November--and my community helped me exceed my fundraising goal well ahead of schedule. It was really moving for me. The thing is, I wanted that to be the end of my lesson in asking for help and trusting the universe. Asking for that money was uncomfortable, and vulnerable--but initially, I couldn't even admit...