My Abuser’s Birthday; Accepting That I Am Changed Forever

I have nightmares that I'm with my abuser again.  I know that I'm not safe.  I want out.  I can't find my wedding ring.  I wail over my sick cat, begging her not to die.  I hold her to me, her fur soft against my face.  I feel the familiar contour of her little head … Continue reading My Abuser’s Birthday; Accepting That I Am Changed Forever

Morning Struggle, Afternoon Loneliness and Night Terror

I go to morning service at ERUUF.  Arriving late, I don't see my friends so I sit alone and it is brutal.  Afterward my friends hold me while I cry and they try to reassure me.  One of them tells me she knows I love him and that she's sorry, but that shutting me out … Continue reading Morning Struggle, Afternoon Loneliness and Night Terror

Here Comes The Sun

That's not an unusual morning--some ugly dream and then I wake up feeling awful.  Naturally, I want to go back to sleep and try again--maybe I won't feel so tired and desperate.  I understand that each choice I make will either take me deeper into that black pit of despair--or out of it.  The coming out won't be fast, it won't be painless...