content warning: sex work, rape, weapons I wake to the soft sound of horns; the London Philharmonic plays the theme from Chariots of Fire from my phone. It's 5:30 Saturday morning. I'm tired, I'm alone, and I'm sad. I lay still for a moment, a hand to my heart and a hand to my belly--trying … Continue reading As Sick As My Secrets, Loving Kindness and Homecoming (1/2)
I figured I'd struggle to hold it together when I had to say goodbye to Trow. My training partner, a fighter pilot, deployed to Saudi Arabia shortly after I returned from Boston. I was still recovering and we went for one last run on a weekday morning. We met really early at the Carolina North … Continue reading Hill Repeats, Friendship and the Pain of Parting
I wake with a start to the soft sound of trumpets; my phone plays training montage music from the Rocky soundtrack. I smile a little in the darkness, groggily throw off the covers and cross the room to silence my alarm. I pull the curtains from my window and blink at the early dawn light … Continue reading Morning Light and Life With Imperfections
I have nightmares that I'm with my abuser again. I know that I'm not safe. I want out. I can't find my wedding ring. I wail over my sick cat, begging her not to die. I hold her to me, her fur soft against my face. I feel the familiar contour of her little head … Continue reading My Abuser’s Birthday; Accepting That I Am Changed Forever
content warning: suicidal ideation First I don't want to get out of bed at all--again, and I lay there for a long while, willing my breath to slow. Eventually I get my running clothes on, make it to the track and struggle through my workout; 8 1 km repeats at threshold pace. Long speedwork takes … Continue reading 1 Km Repeats and What Made Me Choose Life
I'm at the track again after another night of crap sleep; for the last month or so I wake myself repeatedly choking in my sleep. As I warm up, I worry. I'm gonna have to keep it together for 1000m repeats and I'm not feeling confident at all. I'm exhausted. I'm sad. My grief over … Continue reading 1000m Repeats and Accepting Responsibility
During another shit day I'm barely surviving I remember how if I'm running Boston I'd better figure out how to get myself there. It's been months of slow, disappointing training runs after I seemed to be doing so well. I remember squealing jubilantly in the morning as I got my confirmation from BAA that my … Continue reading Boston Buddies: Getting By With A Lot Of Help From New Friends
I hit the trail as the sun is setting; with the entire wood seemingly to myself, I push my toes aggressively into the dirt as I walk. I do not limp. I pick up pace. I feel the toes of my right foot a little tighter, a little weaker, but they comply. The remaining sunlight...