Outrunning Memories and the Color of New Beginnings

  I wake up Christmas morning with new snow on the ground.  Disgusted, I immediately gather my running things to head off the PTSD.  When I walk out the door there's more snow fluttering down, so I start my Garmin and get to work.  It is the first day of my plan for Boston and … Continue reading Outrunning Memories and the Color of New Beginnings

Holiday Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

I come home from class in Raleigh.  I'm tired, and when I walk in the door there is my spouse holding my bathrobe. "Put this on."  It isn't a request.  I ask what's happening. Apparently I am being recruited into one of his childhood Christmas memories, no matter that we haven't discussed it or that … Continue reading Holiday Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

We were supposed to have a holiday party together. Though it’s been off my calendar for weeks, I haven’t forgotten. There’s a snowstorm coming in.  We'd talked about how much fun we'd have sequestered at his place during the first snowstorm, so I am sick with grief and dread and missing him.  All day long … Continue reading Grief and Longing, Loneliness and Depression

A Remarkable Day; Long Run and Flip Turns

It's Saturday morning.  I've turned my alarm off because I'm sad and tired and don't care.  I lie in bed and note that it's raining--hard--and think how maybe I've slept enough to actually do sort of a long run.  I go open the shades and scowl at the rain pouring down.  I think about runners … Continue reading A Remarkable Day; Long Run and Flip Turns

Disappointing Pharmaceuticals, Nightmares and Another Missed Run

I send a volley of emails back and forth with the concussion specialist that amounts to; "I can't do this anymore.  Please prescribe all the drugs, I am desperate."  He doubles the Prozosin that's supposed to help with the nightmares.  I take my new dose--and Advil for the headache I have most of the time … Continue reading Disappointing Pharmaceuticals, Nightmares and Another Missed Run

Sprinting, Self-Care and the Myth of Mara

We talked on Friday and didn’t begin speaking for a long time. As he held me in his arms, as I took in his heartbeat and the scent of his skin and my own sense of homecoming, I let go of so many words I’d thought of to say. I finally offered simply, “I was … Continue reading Sprinting, Self-Care and the Myth of Mara

Comfortable With Uncertainty; The Grace I Give Myself

I run and I miss him.  I notice that I'm running when I've already been at it a couple miles; I'm neither enjoying nor struggling with it.  I'm merely hurtling my body through space in an accustomed way while my brain runs and runs; attachment theory, core wounds, one-sided conversations and conversations we've had already. … Continue reading Comfortable With Uncertainty; The Grace I Give Myself

Sanctuary; Where Is My Safe Place to Fall?

It is Sunday morning, the day I was supposed to attend an event with Kevin*.  We've been talking about it for over a month.  We haven’t spoken in almost a week--a week of panic and grief, confusion and anger.  A week of troubled sleep and half-eaten food that tastes like dirt. Christian is meeting me … Continue reading Sanctuary; Where Is My Safe Place to Fall?

Deflated Determination and the Edge of a Panic Attack

I wake up in the middle of the night, anxious again.  Remnants of nightmares swirl through my head--something about my abuser and something about my boyfriend.  Sleeping on a park bench. I don’t remember. My brain starts in on pointless one-sided conversations.  I turn onto my side and try to calm down--I'm not breathing right … Continue reading Deflated Determination and the Edge of a Panic Attack

DUSA Progression Run as Emotional Support

Exhausted, frightened and overwhelmed, I walk up to Christian's door lugging a bag of groceries, a plant, and the suitcase I'm still living out of.  I open the door with my key and he looks surprised to see me; after not sleeping last night I guess I forgot to tell him.  I explain that we … Continue reading DUSA Progression Run as Emotional Support

Anxious Attachment and Failure to Communicate

I keep feeling this sense of unease, and I've been judging myself for it.  Anxious attachment, I notice when Kevin* pulls away slightly in bed and I grow distraught.  Or when he isn't holding my hand quite as much as I think he did last week.  Or when I think he's giving me just a … Continue reading Anxious Attachment and Failure to Communicate

Sensational, Asinine Things Like “Blossom Your Heart Open”

Usually I wake a few times at night, blankets askew, irritated.  I've either had a really troubling nightmare or heard some bump in the night; likely both.  So I lay there, exhausted, frustrated, needing and wanting sleep that doesn't come.  Eventually the alarm goes off and I rise, grudging.  Some time later I'll unroll my … Continue reading Sensational, Asinine Things Like “Blossom Your Heart Open”

Sexual Abuse/Assault/Violence; Does The Label Matter?

content warning: domestic violence, sexual assault I wake in my friend Erin's beautiful Lakewood house before morning's first light.  Her dog doesn't even stir from his spot next to me in bed.  I brush my hair and teeth, put some clothes on and meditate, and we walk around the neighborhood with the first flickering of … Continue reading Sexual Abuse/Assault/Violence; Does The Label Matter?

Five Minutes

I hit the trail as the sun is setting; with the entire wood seemingly to myself, I push my toes aggressively into the dirt as I walk.  I do not limp.  I pick up pace.  I feel the toes of my right foot a little tighter, a little weaker, but they comply.  The remaining sunlight...