content warning: sex work, rape, weapons I wake to the soft sound of horns; the London Philharmonic plays the theme from Chariots of Fire from my phone. It's 5:30 Saturday morning. I'm tired, I'm alone, and I'm sad. I lay still for a moment, a hand to my heart and a hand to my belly--trying … Continue reading As Sick As My Secrets, Loving Kindness and Homecoming (1/2)
content warning: suicidal ideation, self-harm I hear the voice of my therapist saying, "Can you honor your anger? You've described a man who gave every indication of skillfulness and emotional maturity. You've also described some really hurtful behavior. Have you seen that skillfulness and emotional maturity from him when it really counts?" Get angry, I … Continue reading A Healing Relationship: An Apology From My Therapist
I am staying at a friend's house while she's away. It is a beautiful, spacious place. It is quiet. I love it here. But after I drop off another friend who can't keep me company all day, I am indescribably miserable. It hits me the moment he's out of the car and I wail all … Continue reading On Suicide, Shame, and Small Acts of Courage
I remember teaching that class, lying on the hospital floor with my students, noting with growing alarm while cueing them to observe the sensations in their bodies that my own body was clenching and that I couldn't stop it. I began to panic. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I asked them to lie on their bellies with their foreheads on their hands--a position I'd always noticed this particular class loved. I told them I would be silent for about a minute. I struggled not to cry...