Anxious Attachment and Failure to Communicate

I keep feeling this sense of unease, and I've been judging myself for it.  Anxious attachment, I notice when Kevin* pulls away slightly in bed and I grow distraught.  Or when he isn't holding my hand quite as much as I think he did last week.  Or when I think he's giving me just a … Continue reading Anxious Attachment and Failure to Communicate

Accidental Exposure Therapy and Breakthrough Moments

A few days after I rediscover my handstand, Kevin* sits working with his morning coffee at the kitchen table while I meet the morning sunshine with Surya Namaskara (Sun Salutations).  I feel safe and confident. Later I drive to a meeting with other healers.  These women are kindred spirits.  Nobody in this room talks credentials … Continue reading Accidental Exposure Therapy and Breakthrough Moments

Safari: A Quest for Love and Connection

I've been invited to audit a workshop on boundary setting for entrepreneurs that involves equine assisted therapy.  It sounds fascinating.  Working with animals often helps trauma survivors like me--those of us with massive attachment trauma often feel safer with animals.  Also I haven't seen a horse up close in a long time, so I drive … Continue reading Safari: A Quest for Love and Connection

I Honor the Light Within Me; I Am Unstoppable

I’m driving home from a long day. The road is busy and my body is stiff with fear. Still, there’s something different in my countenance. I’m afraid, but full of determination. I turn over some of the words that have been spoken to me this week—the validation, the affirmation, the support and the love. I … Continue reading I Honor the Light Within Me; I Am Unstoppable

Friendship and Nature: A Beautiful Morning

Maddie arrives well after nightfall--after work and grocery shopping and the long drive to spend a night in the woods with me.  Maddie, my old favorite sparring partner from Muay Thai, is full of adventure and hope. She's stood by me, though I know she doesn't always understand and I'm afraid of asking too much … Continue reading Friendship and Nature: A Beautiful Morning

Approaching peril, do I trust my feet?

As I prepare to leave in the semi-dark, my friend continues to sleep in the other room.  I strap on my running watch and consider whether to conceal my stun gun, just in case.  He doesn't even wake up this early, I remind myself.  He doesn't know where I'm staying now or which trail I'm … Continue reading Approaching peril, do I trust my feet?

See the Light

After a few minutes, I begin to feel the pain of longing for the home studio I left when I fled my marriage.  My head throbs slightly, and tears pour down my face into my ears and hair.  Breathe, I exhort myself, and lie there with my sorrow and resentment.  I breathe and remind myself...

Five Minutes

I hit the trail as the sun is setting; with the entire wood seemingly to myself, I push my toes aggressively into the dirt as I walk.  I do not limp.  I pick up pace.  I feel the toes of my right foot a little tighter, a little weaker, but they comply.  The remaining sunlight...

Being Loved

Oh my god.  That's really bad.  I've just broken up with him.  I can't engage with him over his choices.  I stand in the kitchen, my chest tight, swimming in grief and agony.  It's Valentines' Day.  There is nobody I can call, nobody I can talk to, nothing...