Loneliness, Binge Eating and Being In Love

I stand in my friend's kitchen.  Her cats wolf down their food.  The sun streams in all the windows, drawing shifting stripes across the daffodil yellow countertops.  It's Saturday.  I drink sparkling water from a green can and sigh; I'm tired and cranky and it has occurred to me that my friend's seriously righteous candy … Continue reading Loneliness, Binge Eating and Being In Love

Co-Regulation and The Voice Of Trust

I lie down on the massage table and fidget a little, unsure whether I should close my eyes or keep them open.  My neck feels a little odd so I turn my head a few times. "Would you like a pillow?" Anna asks, and I nod.  She asks if I'd like to begin and even … Continue reading Co-Regulation and The Voice Of Trust

Compassionate Presence and Healing Touch, A Lineage of Love

My client lays before me on my Thai mat, having explained the various issues he's currently facing.  Our conversation dissolves as he stretches his long legs toward me and attends to breathing deeply.  I kneel before him, eyes closed, pausing for a silent Wai Kru.  I wait for my own inner chatter to quiet.  When … Continue reading Compassionate Presence and Healing Touch, A Lineage of Love

Easy EMDR; The Edge Of Attachment Anxiety

It's been weeks in therapy where we mostly just talk like normal people who like each other except that we focus fairly exclusively on me.  "What do you still need from this?" Lisa asks me, "What would you like to focus on?" We've processed with very little complication my reaction to the Durham explosion, the … Continue reading Easy EMDR; The Edge Of Attachment Anxiety

With Dreams And Elation I’m On My Way

I take a day completely off; no work, no engagements, my only plan to leave the house at all is my short morning run.  I turn off my alarms and wake when I feel like it.  The rain pours down as I run through Durham one last time. I spend hours in the afternoon checking … Continue reading With Dreams And Elation I’m On My Way

The Allure and Danger of Following; Finally, I Danced

I’ve barely danced since my wedding.  When my spouse came back from deployment I found this salsa night I really wanted to go to.  I asked over and over again, couldn't we go salsa dancing?  He never would--though he'd later leave while I was sleeping to dance at Legends.  I don't care so much about … Continue reading The Allure and Danger of Following; Finally, I Danced

Compassion, Trust and My Work In The World

I'm tired and unhappy when I arrive but one of my students is waiting for me; I feel better when I see her.  While I'm checking in my class, another student I haven't seen in months appears at the doorway.  Delighted, I come out from behind the desk to hug her.  While I check her … Continue reading Compassion, Trust and My Work In The World

Repetition Compulsion and the Heart’s Quest for Home

Last year around this time I was at the tail end of a brief relationship with my old favorite training partner.  I wasn't even a year out from leaving my abuser, I hadn't been dating; I was terrified of male attention.  Scott and I had known each other for years.  We ran together all the … Continue reading Repetition Compulsion and the Heart’s Quest for Home

The Barometric Pressure of Unresolved Trauma (2/2)

(...continued) content warning: suicidal ideation I love Kevin*.  I think he is a miracle, but he is treating me like I don't matter and our relationship isn't worth the effort--and I am letting him.  I kneel on the floor and re-read our text exchange from yesterday for maybe the thousandth time.  I begin to type … Continue reading The Barometric Pressure of Unresolved Trauma (2/2)

Approaching peril, do I trust my feet?

As I prepare to leave in the semi-dark, my friend continues to sleep in the other room.  I strap on my running watch and consider whether to conceal my stun gun, just in case.  He doesn't even wake up this early, I remind myself.  He doesn't know where I'm staying now or which trail I'm … Continue reading Approaching peril, do I trust my feet?